What is love? A blog comment prompted this thought. And thanks to all those mothers out there commented and encouraging me - it really helps.
Oldest, and the other kids to a lesser extent, were programmed/brain washed to believe that love was something you earned by being "good." Oldest believes if she is quite and doesn't cause yelling that she will be loved. When I popped on the scene and loved them no matter what it through her for a loop. I also don't equate quiet with being good. She constantly acts in ways that would make bio happy, and if bio is happy then she is happy and may get a few crumbs of love. I do all the things she wants a mom to do and she resents me for that. The more I do the bitchy her she gets. It's almost comical (if it didn't hurt so much) Yet, I still do for her. I still love her. Someday I hope she can just sit with that. Hubby loves her in much the same way but bio has told oldest over and over and over and over.... that he doesn't really love her. He only treats this way as a bribe to keep her. If he keeps her he wins this sick game bio is playing. Bio uses them as a prize in a game. And part of this is all about mother love and my blasting oldest was really what she needed to here.
And blip - infatuation springs to mind. When my first husband moved out to live with his new girlfriend (in our old apartment) we talked on the phone one day. He said how he loved me but wasn't in love with me. That love was feeling like no one else in the world existed. Hmm, that to me is infatuation. Now that he is a Dad (and a really good one from what I hear) I wonder what his answer would be today? I'll have to ask him next time I see him.
The rain keeps falling, the snow is gone, the daffodils are about to burst open and I will be working at home today balancing bank statements.
May you be filled with, surrounded by and blessed with true, unconditional love my dear readers! Hugs, gratitude and love from me.