Saturday, February 23, 2013

Blog Neglect

     I open my blog up, my mind goes blank and that it is it.  I have so many thing on my mind and yet so little.  Things are changing, manifesting in my life.  I am actively participating in the process.  I'm pondering a vision of what it will look like.  I'm not there.  I may never be there.  When I was young I had my life mapped out - degrees, marriage, babies, the house with the white picket fence - the rose colored glasses.  I've learned that life leads you down different paths and I need to go more with the flow and rhythm of my life.  Life is not on a linear time table.
     Dreams of birth are still coming.  Dreams at night are more vivid and frequent and more convoluted than ever.  I journal about them,  I ponder them.  I glean what nuggets I can.
I finished the three week introduction class for belly dancing.  I've finished week one of dancing to the drum.  We are learning a belly dance routine to a drum solo.  I leave class energized and in tune with my body.  My heart is open.  I am prioritizing things to manifest the funds to continue the dance.  I love the community, the beat.
     I have the paperwork all filled out for my business venture.  I have found the funds in an unexpected source.  The check is in the mail.  When it arrives the paperwork will be sent out.  My lists of goals and visions have been tweaked and worked to come up with a coherent vision statement for my company.  I'm not sure it is my final statement but for now it is "To help people be healthy through food in tune with nature."  I need to up date my goal list for the month.  I belong to a business collaborative of beautiful Goddess Sisters.  We support each other with love.  Yet keep each other accountable with a nurturing fierceness only women can do.
     I'm writing a book.  It is a memoir and a cookbook.  My life story.  My cooking story.  All rolled into one.  One memory triggers another triggers a recipe. For now the words tumble onto the page.  I can go back and make it more coherent.  Time is truly cyclical.  In my mind, my memories time is not linear. It is not chronological.  I will need to edit enough later so a reader can follow the thread of my memory.
     Son is out of work.  He is looking.  He lasted much longer than most at his place of business.  It is not an easy place to work.  And son's serious attitude where life is fair and played by the rules has been a constant source of frustration for him.  He will learn in time that being right is a privilege held by the boss/owner of the company.  That where there is a pecking order the low man doesn't have much input.  I like that I can plan meals now without working around his work schedule.  He's been doing odd jobs here and there to earn money for car insurance and gas.  It's a difficult time to find a job.  And he leaves in July for boot camp.
     Oldest went back after her visit and refriended me on facebook.  She likes and shares some of my stories.  This week she e-mailed me a joke (along with a group of others).  This is HUGE for her.  I am on new ground.  At the same time I'm a little miffed.  For Christmas she wrote out a very generic thank you card because she hadn't opened her presents yet.  For her birthday I tracked the package so I knew when it arrived.  No comment at all from her until hubby asked if she received it via text.  A quick text back with a thank you was all we got.  She then received a package I sent from Amazon with some books she wanted.  We did get a quick text saying she got the package.  I believe because I included on the note to let us know she received it.  At the same time she sent presents for her cousins to us at Christmas.  I had to go out of my way to deliver them.  And actually I took the easy way out and dropped them at my mother and father-in-love's.  I had a nice visit with them.  But, they were hurt.  Here oldest sent a card for her aunt and uncle and presents for her cousins and they didn't receive a card. They told themselves that bio removed it from the box before shipping to make themselves feel better.  After all they had just spent a ton of money flying her here for a visit.  And then no word at all after they sent her birthday gift.  They know she received it because she cashed the check.  I've been trying to decide how to handle this with out setting our relationship back.  She knows better than to not send a thank you.    Of course my in-laws would die before ever saying anything.  FIL almost did one Christmas.  If he was any more worked up or red I think he would of had a heart attack.  Any way....
     Bio still only has contact with son and youngest via facebook.  The messages are few and far between.  Her latest message to youngest was that she wanted updated pictures of the two of them.  They should pick a pose from there school pictures and have me or daddy e-mail her or oldest.  Youngest replied that they didn't have pictures taken.  When she said it again youngest signed off saying she had to eat dinner (at 7:30 at night).  School pictures are taken the first week of school.  They are expensive and horrible so we stopped buying them years ago.  Bio has not been in contact with the school since moving four years ago.  She could have contacted the school and ordered pictures in September.  She could of had oldest take a couple nice pictures of the kids when she was here.  She could contact hubby and ask him for pictures.  She could send a check and have us take them for pictures.  She could do a lot of things.  The first year she was gone I had pictures sent to her.  The second year she complained she didn't like them.  That was the last time she received pictures.  And really, she hasn't seen her kids in four years.  She wants an 8x10 hanging on the wall so she can tell her friends about her kids like she has a meaningful relationship with them.  I might just send her one this year.  When oldest was here son took a really nice picture of me with my two girls.  That I might send her.
     Hubby is taking his final test today for his Officer 1 class for the fire department.  I will have my hubby back.  It seems like forever since this class started.  It's hard enough with us working different shifts. 
     And that is where I'm at. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Birth & Trains

So, I've been having some startling dreams that wake me up and shake me to the core.  They are night frightening as much as jolting.  As I described one such dream at my shamanic dream circle someone commented that it reminded them of giving birth. And then it all clicked.  And the angel card I drew at the end of my belly dance class was "emerge."  Ah, yes, my dreams are talking to me. 

From my dream group I came away with a new inspiration for my book.  I've always wanted to write a cookbook of sorts.  One with stories along the way.  I was told of a website where I can self publish and create.  I have some 4400 words down so far.

And last night was my second belly dance class.  We were learning drop kicks which are not an easy task for me.  22 of us in some form of a down hip pop and a drop kick was pretty funny looking.  And the teacher says, "embrace the train wreck."  It didn't matter if you got it right or pretty all that mattered was you were doing it.  And the tricky step though definitely not pretty became fun and funny.  What a metaphor for life.