Sunday, October 23, 2011

Two Sides and letting go

There are always two sides (at least) to every story. I've really try hard to hear both sides.  I feel the truth for me lies somewhere in the middle or where the stories overlap. 

This spring bio opened a facebook account.  I blocked her from youngest.  Youngest has nightmares the few times bio calls.  Bio has only called 4 times since January when oldest left.  Youngest has been doing fantastic hearing less from bio.  On one level this saddens me deeply.  A child should not be better off having no contact with their mother.  But life isn't always like I think it should be.

Long story short bio is now unblocked and friends with youngest.  And instead of using it to communicate with her daughter they play games.  If I couldn't see my daughter I would do anything to keep and touch and know her.  But, hey that's me.  And I would work whatever I had to so I could see my child but again that's just me and I'm getting off track.

So oldest posts on her FB account that I blocked bio.  True.  But then she claims that I don't let the kids talk to her on the phone, that I hang up on her when she calls, that I don't pass on phone messages......   I have NEVER hung up on her (well once but that was before she moved and had nothing to do with her talking to the children) , I have never not passed on a message - there are none to pass on.  If her number comes up I don't pick up I let the answering machine get it.  I don't want to talk to her.  I have NEVER told the kids they can't call her.  They just don't think to do it on their own.  Out of sight out of mind. 

Heck at one point youngest said to her mother, "Are you ever going to visit I forget what you look like."  And her reply was - "I'll send you a picture."  The picture never came. 

So, before oldest's post and when bio became unblocked I was sitting in temple for a council of women.  And what came to me is that I need to let go.  I knew this already but I was having a hard time putting it into practice.  I want to protect my children.  But, they chose to be born to bio for some reason.  It is some lesson they must need to learn in this life.  I need to let that go.  Let her be friends on FB.  Truly let their relationship with bio be what it needs to be and that it is NOT a refection on me or my mothering.  And I let it go.  It had been a long time coming. 

And I feel so free. 

If oldest needs to believe whatever bio tells her that's her issue.   If she wants to believe that I am evil - that is her issue.  I know in my heart I did the best I knew how and that I loved her as a mother loves a daughter.  If that is not enough for her (or too much) that is her issue.  I am letting go of the attachment, the fear, the out come of everything but my own actions and reactions.

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