I've been purging the home space. Closets, drawers, pantry, office and walls. Nothing is safe. Nothing comes in unless something is going out. We have too much stuff. Too much material items, too much emotional baggage attached. It's time to let go.
When hubby and I married all of my clothes no longer fit in my closet. I became one of those people who store clothes by season in totes. It is a tad annoying to try and determine the right time to make the change but the upside is I am forced to go through my closet twice a year. Does it fit? Will it fit in the near future? Do I like it? Do I wear it? If no, out it goes. And I'm at the point where a lot more is going than coming in. And I have fewer totes.
Books have been purged. I am a bookaholic. I love books. I save books. Many are reference books. I tend to read more informational books than novels. And unlike my hubby I rarely reread novels so, I do not hang on to those. But, I see it is time to let an entire section go. It is no longer me. And cookbooks - I have a huge collection. I read them like novels. I have gathered a large stack to be donated. Have I ever made a recipe from this book? Will I ever make a recipe from this book? No and no - gone.
Then, there are knickknacks. I made the mistake years ago by saying that I liked snowman because you could decorate with them for the winter - this as opposed to santas which are strictly a Christmas decoration. I was soon flooded. I don't think there was a room in my house that didn't have a snowman. I had to beg people to stop. I had to learn to tell people if we were out and about that just because I say I like something or that it is pretty does not mean I need to own it. Two huge boxes went a year or so ago to the tag sale room at our dump. They were thrilled. Snowmen are a big seller. Another huge box went a month ago. All but a few are now gone. Many I had hung on to because they were gifts. Would the giver be upset? Does the giver even remember gifting it to me? Do they care? Do I care?
Next up the birdhouses. I'm pulling items off the wall and shelves in the kitchen to paint. Hubby thinks I'm kidding about painting. Any way, I have everything stacked neatly in a box. I already know some if not all of it is going. Do I love it? Why do I have it? Some of the items are birdhouses and prints of birdhouses. They're pretty but are they me? My first husband was/is a huge birder. We were not married long. We divorced soon after building the house. And even though I quickly cut down the woodpecker "tree" - the one he topped and limbed and drilled holes in to stuff with suet - I soon started decorating with bird items. Hmmm?
And then there are the Noah's Arc items. I started collecting while at seminary. It was going to be how I decorated the nursery. First I was divorced and then I became a step mom of four. There would be no nursery in my home. Maybe, my office? But, in reality they took up a corner of my craft table. And now that I'm using my craft table a lot for my art journal they are in the way. Out they go.
Dishes, platters, kitchen tools I don't use - out they go.
Everything in my house needs a function - be it practical or that it speaks to my heart. Everything else I'm letting go.
The failed marriage, the empty womb, the skinny jeans, the need to please, the need to be anything less than myself - Gone!
I'm letting go. I'm letting it all go.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Anniversary Week
It's been five years.
Five years ago this past Sunday bio had her last court mandated visit with the three youngest children in state. The restraining order to not be able to see them out of state is still intact. My oldest son had already moved and started his life. It was at this point bio thought she could whisk oldest daughter off with her. The court stepped in and delayed that process by two years. The first year was heavenly. You could see the stress pour out of oldest and a sense of calm set in. Then as her eighteenth birthday approached you could tell bio was in contact. She seemed all smiles and pleasantries on the outside. She strives to tell people what she thinks they want to hear. But, living with her was like a hurricane, tsunami and a tornado brewing at the same time beneath the surface. A week after she left youngest sighed with relief and stated, "at least I don't have to lie any more."
She was planning to run away - after all wicked step mom was unreasonable and hubby didn't really want her.Those things had to be true - bio told her they were. She thought we would fight her. Legally we couldn't; she was of age ( I don't think she realized that). And on many levels we knew we had to let her go. She would not believe us until she lived it first hand. We couldn't change her decision. We could choose how to handle it. I threw her a giant going away party. My MIL thought I was crazy at first. Then thanked me afterwards. We needed to show her we loved her, supported her no matter what and make her feel comfortable to stay in contact. She still lives with bio (sort of). In three years she has moved out of bio's house at least twice plus did a 5 month stint at boot camp for the National Guard.
When she came for a visit a year ago she was a different kid. I think her eyes have been opened a great deal. She in no way tried to convince her siblings that Arizona was paradise. She refriended me on facebook and has been in contact. I even received a mother's day card. She is still figuring out her stuff and I hope someday she discovers who she is and lives accordingly instead of living to please others.
Son and youngest have not seen her since. Youngest has hardly any contact with her at all. Two five minute phone conversations in the past year. And a few unanswered facebook messages. Son talks to her via phone now and then. We held a letter writing campaign while he was at boot camp. Bio wrote only once so he stopped sending her letters. She promised she would be at his graduation. She never showed up. I was so glad we were all able to be there (hubby, youngest and myself along with MIL and FIL). Son has seen the light.
When bio first left with no forwarding address she told the kids she would see them soon. She told them they would come to her for the entire summer, thanksgiving and Christmas. She never contacted the school to have information forwarded to her. She has had no contact with hubby at all. I take that back - the first year she asked him for a copy of their school pictures. Year two she was still promising summers in Arizona. Then oldest joined her and contact came to a screeching halt. She had no one relaying messages any more. Son and youngest thrived - no one to report back to bio. Other than a box with cheap bizarre Christmas gifts they receive nothing from bio.
I don't get it. Don't need to get it. All I know is that her leaving was the best gift she could have gave them. The only thing nicer would have been to do it much sooner.
Five years ago this past Sunday bio had her last court mandated visit with the three youngest children in state. The restraining order to not be able to see them out of state is still intact. My oldest son had already moved and started his life. It was at this point bio thought she could whisk oldest daughter off with her. The court stepped in and delayed that process by two years. The first year was heavenly. You could see the stress pour out of oldest and a sense of calm set in. Then as her eighteenth birthday approached you could tell bio was in contact. She seemed all smiles and pleasantries on the outside. She strives to tell people what she thinks they want to hear. But, living with her was like a hurricane, tsunami and a tornado brewing at the same time beneath the surface. A week after she left youngest sighed with relief and stated, "at least I don't have to lie any more."
She was planning to run away - after all wicked step mom was unreasonable and hubby didn't really want her.Those things had to be true - bio told her they were. She thought we would fight her. Legally we couldn't; she was of age ( I don't think she realized that). And on many levels we knew we had to let her go. She would not believe us until she lived it first hand. We couldn't change her decision. We could choose how to handle it. I threw her a giant going away party. My MIL thought I was crazy at first. Then thanked me afterwards. We needed to show her we loved her, supported her no matter what and make her feel comfortable to stay in contact. She still lives with bio (sort of). In three years she has moved out of bio's house at least twice plus did a 5 month stint at boot camp for the National Guard.
When she came for a visit a year ago she was a different kid. I think her eyes have been opened a great deal. She in no way tried to convince her siblings that Arizona was paradise. She refriended me on facebook and has been in contact. I even received a mother's day card. She is still figuring out her stuff and I hope someday she discovers who she is and lives accordingly instead of living to please others.
Son and youngest have not seen her since. Youngest has hardly any contact with her at all. Two five minute phone conversations in the past year. And a few unanswered facebook messages. Son talks to her via phone now and then. We held a letter writing campaign while he was at boot camp. Bio wrote only once so he stopped sending her letters. She promised she would be at his graduation. She never showed up. I was so glad we were all able to be there (hubby, youngest and myself along with MIL and FIL). Son has seen the light.
When bio first left with no forwarding address she told the kids she would see them soon. She told them they would come to her for the entire summer, thanksgiving and Christmas. She never contacted the school to have information forwarded to her. She has had no contact with hubby at all. I take that back - the first year she asked him for a copy of their school pictures. Year two she was still promising summers in Arizona. Then oldest joined her and contact came to a screeching halt. She had no one relaying messages any more. Son and youngest thrived - no one to report back to bio. Other than a box with cheap bizarre Christmas gifts they receive nothing from bio.
I don't get it. Don't need to get it. All I know is that her leaving was the best gift she could have gave them. The only thing nicer would have been to do it much sooner.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Happy Birthday, Mom
My mom and me in front of Granny's house
Today is the anniversary of my mom's 39th birthday. I won't say which one as that will give away her poorly kept secret. I'm not sure her 39th year was a stellar one or that it was just cliche to stop counting after that. My brother chose to stop counting the year he met his wife. That is until his kids decided he had to gain a year each new birthday. I'm an eternal optimist and even if I have a stellar year I believe the present one can be just as good or better. I am no seven years older than my mom. And my Dad is now married to a much younger woman; one he has apparently married to longer than she has had birthdays. And this is the family I hail from. A tad but crazy, but loving and supportive.
I see many people with broken relationships with their mother or so dysfunctional that it takes years to heal if ever. My mom had such a relationship. My Granny was a piece of work. My mom was 39 for a few years before she made peace with this. She was nothing compared to bio but that is another story for another day. I learned many things from my mom. Some directly and others from observation. I don't knit or crochet like she does. She's amazing and I cherish many items she has made for me over the years. Over the years she worked with cement, basket weaving, decoupage and so many other crafts. I channeled my creativity into cooking, cross stitch and soap making.
I often wondered if she had a good paying job, a career, if she would still be married to my dad. They went through some really challenging times and I think what kept her there was her fear to be on her own. She was also more content with the devil she knew rather than the devil she didn't. She always compared dad to their friends and said she would take him over all of them. But, their friends were dad's friends and their wives so what did that really say? Her dating advice to me was that, "all men are assholes, get used to it." I took this as a challenge. I'm happy to report that I found a man I don't consider an ass. We have our moments but..... I vowed I would never be in a position I could not walk out the door. I succeeded. Maybe I'm wrong but knowing that gives me the freedom to choose.
What I learned from my mom is that you are never too old to like rock n' roll, play your music loud, dance, laugh or want sex. She was embarrassed to talk to me about the mechanics of sex but, what she did say indirectly was that sex was good, lots of sex was even better.
She never told me I could be anything I wanted. She let me be anything I wanted. She always has my back whether she understands or likes what I'm doing or not. She taught me to speak my mind.
So, to my mom who was celebrating the day having breakfast at a biker bar with my dad - happy birthday!
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Vacation is over
But a wonderful vacation it was. I had two weeks off over the holidays. I didn't accomplish anything and everything all at the same time. It started with six batches of cookies and gathering with my family. My parents flew up from Florida the week before Christmas. They left early Christmas morning. That Sunday was a gathering with them and my brother's family. My niece and nephew were in a play at church and the afternoon was spent eating lasagna, laughing and playing. Christmas Eve morning I had my parents for our traditional breakfast.
That night we broke tradition and stayed home. A bacon wrapped pork loin for three. Then youngest headed to her room to dance and hubby and I went to deliver cookies to the emergency dispatchers. On our way home we rendezvoused with mother and father-in-love who had picked son up at the airport. He was on leave from the military and flying in to surprise his sister. We managed to get him in the house and tucked in his room without her knowing. The look on her face as he came down the stairs Christmas morning was priceless.We headed to the in-laws for a quiet dinner that day.
Another day was spent shopping in Northampton with the cousins. An evening fire department party. An afternoon of Bliss Yoga. An amazing afternoon with my wise and foolish friends. A morning spent making soap and lip balm. Books read. Needle pointing worked on. Pages filled in my art journal. A day spent with my niece; bonding over lunch, frozen yogurt, books and shopping. A celebration of son's nineteenth birthday.
New Year's Eve we had a thanksgiving feast. It was son's last night home and we had tur-duck-en , mashed potatoes, roasted butternut squash, cookies and birthday cake. New Year's Eve or the calender flip as my girlfriend calls it doesn't hold much importance in my life. No need to wait until midnight for some magic to occur. Magic happens all the time and for me the evening was about family and love. Son was whisked to the airport in the wee hours of the morning (he had to be there at 0430 hours).
It was a great vacation of family, friends, relaxing, puttering, dreaming and planning.
That night we broke tradition and stayed home. A bacon wrapped pork loin for three. Then youngest headed to her room to dance and hubby and I went to deliver cookies to the emergency dispatchers. On our way home we rendezvoused with mother and father-in-love who had picked son up at the airport. He was on leave from the military and flying in to surprise his sister. We managed to get him in the house and tucked in his room without her knowing. The look on her face as he came down the stairs Christmas morning was priceless.We headed to the in-laws for a quiet dinner that day.
Another day was spent shopping in Northampton with the cousins. An evening fire department party. An afternoon of Bliss Yoga. An amazing afternoon with my wise and foolish friends. A morning spent making soap and lip balm. Books read. Needle pointing worked on. Pages filled in my art journal. A day spent with my niece; bonding over lunch, frozen yogurt, books and shopping. A celebration of son's nineteenth birthday.
New Year's Eve we had a thanksgiving feast. It was son's last night home and we had tur-duck-en , mashed potatoes, roasted butternut squash, cookies and birthday cake. New Year's Eve or the calender flip as my girlfriend calls it doesn't hold much importance in my life. No need to wait until midnight for some magic to occur. Magic happens all the time and for me the evening was about family and love. Son was whisked to the airport in the wee hours of the morning (he had to be there at 0430 hours).
It was a great vacation of family, friends, relaxing, puttering, dreaming and planning.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Gratitude
It is the wee hours of Thanksgiving morning. I'm sipping my first cup of coffee and catching up on blogs and such. Soon I will make my way to the kitchen to putter, cook, create and pack up my lotions and potions for the Spirit of Giving: Holiday Marketplace on Saturday. It is my first fair and I have my table set up in the "dining room" as a dry run to make sure I have everything. And I ponder what I am grateful for.
Each morning I wake up grateful to be alive. My simple prayer to the universe is thank you. I find living with a grateful heart makes me happy, grounded and hopeful. It also helps when those energy vampires attack - we all have at least one of those people in our lives. But, I digress. This year I have a gratitude jar. I've filled it with colorful slips of paper with items that spark gratitude in me. I put notes in it from my niece and nephew. The card from the flowers one of my clients sent me just because they appreciate me.
This year is a quiet day of celebration. My parents have migrated South for the winter. Their pilgrimage two months earlier than in the past. My hubby is in the middle of his work week so he will be sleeping most of the day (he works nights) and joining us for dinner as usual. Youngest is the only child at home. Three for a special meal. We discussed over dinner a few weeks back what we would like to eat. Turkey was sent packing. The Thanksgiving I had for my parents before they left was enough turkey for my family. I'll miss the leftover meat for sandwiches but.... So the menu this year is
Oh, and my hubby and daughter said I could make a pie for myself as well. Mighty big of them I think we have plenty for three. And I'm thinking bacon, pork sandwiches will be great leftovers.
I am grateful my parents are healthy, can travel at will, have a great social network and friends to enjoy the holiday with. I am grateful for my mother and father-in-love. They are very supportive and kind. We have had some growing pains in the past but they seem to be behind us. I am grateful that my children are healthy and following their dreams. I am grateful for youngest's hugs and eyerolls. I am grateful for my loving, supportive hubby. He still rocks my world after all these years. I am grateful for amazing, crazy, creative, inspiring friends. I am grateful for my clients who make going to work enjoyable. I am grateful to have a job that pays me enough to live the life I want. I am grateful for my new business. I am grateful that I am in a position that I can help others with my time, prayers and donations. I am truly blessed and am so grateful for all the things in my life.
Each morning I wake up grateful to be alive. My simple prayer to the universe is thank you. I find living with a grateful heart makes me happy, grounded and hopeful. It also helps when those energy vampires attack - we all have at least one of those people in our lives. But, I digress. This year I have a gratitude jar. I've filled it with colorful slips of paper with items that spark gratitude in me. I put notes in it from my niece and nephew. The card from the flowers one of my clients sent me just because they appreciate me.
This year is a quiet day of celebration. My parents have migrated South for the winter. Their pilgrimage two months earlier than in the past. My hubby is in the middle of his work week so he will be sleeping most of the day (he works nights) and joining us for dinner as usual. Youngest is the only child at home. Three for a special meal. We discussed over dinner a few weeks back what we would like to eat. Turkey was sent packing. The Thanksgiving I had for my parents before they left was enough turkey for my family. I'll miss the leftover meat for sandwiches but.... So the menu this year is
- Bacon wrapped pork loin
- roasted potatoes
- roasted, mashed butternut squash
- Creamy Brussels sprouts
- Sausage Dressing
- Maple Pecan Pie
- Pumpkin Pie
Oh, and my hubby and daughter said I could make a pie for myself as well. Mighty big of them I think we have plenty for three. And I'm thinking bacon, pork sandwiches will be great leftovers.
I am grateful my parents are healthy, can travel at will, have a great social network and friends to enjoy the holiday with. I am grateful for my mother and father-in-love. They are very supportive and kind. We have had some growing pains in the past but they seem to be behind us. I am grateful that my children are healthy and following their dreams. I am grateful for youngest's hugs and eyerolls. I am grateful for my loving, supportive hubby. He still rocks my world after all these years. I am grateful for amazing, crazy, creative, inspiring friends. I am grateful for my clients who make going to work enjoyable. I am grateful to have a job that pays me enough to live the life I want. I am grateful for my new business. I am grateful that I am in a position that I can help others with my time, prayers and donations. I am truly blessed and am so grateful for all the things in my life.
Saturday, November 16, 2013
What I've Learned from Pinterest
I started slowly on pinterest. I liked seeing what my friends were interested in and looking at all the pictures. I made a few categories to pin to and it grew from there. A few minutes here and there just scrolling through images calms me down and ignites my creative fires.
I have discovered that I really like iron work as part of my home decor. I kind of knew that before but now.... I discovered that I have an obsession with cool doors and so do a lot of others. I never knew so many creative ways to incorporate spirals. Cool quotes, and wicked quotes abound. I'm not really into pinning recipes. That struck me as odd. I really, REALLY, love to cook and have a huge cookbook collection but do I really need one more recipe? Well, yeah but now it is as an inspiration or flavor profile. As a result I weeded out my cookbooks and have a huge pile to donate.
I am awed at creative ways to organize and decorate. I am soothed by beautiful artwork. I realized that I could find free cross stitch patterns. I made a "sign" for my kitchen and a birth announcement cross stitch for a friend. I've always took patterns and added my own spin - adding or deleting as I saw fit so now I have so much to work with.
I am prepping for my first craft fair. I've been making products to sell for months now. And through pinterest I found great ways to display my wares, marketing tools, tips for craft fairs, and new product ideas. As a result I've combined new scents for soaps, created several new lip balms and a cuticle salve. I think I may be ready.
I have dabbled a little with art journaling. An amazing friend and teacher introduced me to the idea a while ago. I'm am far to self conscious with art to go all out so, I tend to pull back. I took one of her intro to Heart Journaling classes and was so inspired I started again. She let me know I had the freedom to "mess" up. I could paint over, collage over it or learn from it. And then I looked on pinterest - holy art journal inspiration.
OK, sometimes I do need to set a timer or I could get lost but, I know I have benefited from most of my time on the addictive site.
I have discovered that I really like iron work as part of my home decor. I kind of knew that before but now.... I discovered that I have an obsession with cool doors and so do a lot of others. I never knew so many creative ways to incorporate spirals. Cool quotes, and wicked quotes abound. I'm not really into pinning recipes. That struck me as odd. I really, REALLY, love to cook and have a huge cookbook collection but do I really need one more recipe? Well, yeah but now it is as an inspiration or flavor profile. As a result I weeded out my cookbooks and have a huge pile to donate.
I am awed at creative ways to organize and decorate. I am soothed by beautiful artwork. I realized that I could find free cross stitch patterns. I made a "sign" for my kitchen and a birth announcement cross stitch for a friend. I've always took patterns and added my own spin - adding or deleting as I saw fit so now I have so much to work with.
I am prepping for my first craft fair. I've been making products to sell for months now. And through pinterest I found great ways to display my wares, marketing tools, tips for craft fairs, and new product ideas. As a result I've combined new scents for soaps, created several new lip balms and a cuticle salve. I think I may be ready.
I have dabbled a little with art journaling. An amazing friend and teacher introduced me to the idea a while ago. I'm am far to self conscious with art to go all out so, I tend to pull back. I took one of her intro to Heart Journaling classes and was so inspired I started again. She let me know I had the freedom to "mess" up. I could paint over, collage over it or learn from it. And then I looked on pinterest - holy art journal inspiration.
OK, sometimes I do need to set a timer or I could get lost but, I know I have benefited from most of my time on the addictive site.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Blog Blast for Peace
Today is the day that bloggers all over the globe blog about peace. I've been thinking a lot about what I would write. What does peace mean to me? I had to start with deep, deep gratitude for growing up in a family, in a neighborhood a community that was safe and nurturing. I can still call on those neighbors and refer to them as aunts and uncles. With that foundation I was able to grow and stretch and be who I am today. I am happy with where I am at physically, mentally and spiritually. I am happy with the journey I am on.
Yet for many in this world they do not have this luxury. I try but cannot wrap my head around many of the atrocities in this world, in this country, in this town. My heart hurts for so many reasons when I contemplate all that is happening outside of my little bubble. And I am overwhelmed by all that I cannot do to help. So i bring it back in. I can be that safe foundation for my children. I can touch the lives of those around me. Like the stone tossed on still waters my actions can ripple out into the world. I can pray. I can take action. I can love. And even in these imperfect gestures, because after all I am human, I believe I can make a difference.
I remember when I was young and I would see the signs saying "Make love not war." I thought they were great. I thought they were about sex. Everything at that time was about sex. I was born in part to seal the deal that my dad would not be drafted to go to Vietnam. He was a little too old, he was married and now had a baby. It was later in life that the true words of that sign sunk in. Love in all its forms. You do not need to like someone to love them. Having children really drives that point home. Some days I do not like my kids but I love them any way. I love them through the growing up, the rebelling, the doubts, the trials and errors. I love them because they are children trying to find their way in this world. And I believe this has made a difference. I know that love made a difference in my life.
But what about loving your enemies or that annoying person at work. I'm really working on that. And if not love at least compassion. And some days the most compassionate thing I can do is shut up and walk away.
So peace for me is a circle of love, compassion and trying to make a difference one small gesture at a time. And if we can agree to disagree slowly peace will ripple out over coming the hate and the fear.
Monday, October 14, 2013
He's home
This past week son graduated from Marine boot camp. Hubby, youngest and I drove down for the ceremony and family day. MIL and FIL also drove down to meet us. We picked youngest up from school on Tuesday and made it to Baltimore. We headed out bright and early and arrived at the hotel a few minutes before my in-laws. We had stopped at the visitor's center on the way in to town to use the facilities and were given some great directions and advice. The center is housed in a historic home and is oh so charming. We asked about a great place to eat and we were directed to The Brick. The service was great, the live music was great and the food - out of this world.
I had been taking milky oat straw tincture to calm my nerves. We had no idea if bio would show up. She had threatened to - I mean she promised son she would. Just before arrival in town youngest said she didn't think she was coming because oldest said they had no money. I guess getting a job and saving money was out of the question. She only had 15 months to save up for it. Still, MIL and I waited Thursday morning in anticipation. I was prepared mentally and had all my sisters back home sending good medicine my way.
We were on the Island early to watch the motivational run. We sat in the bleachers watching the family day films and then we had our son for liberty for the afternoon. I had brought a full batch of cookies for him. Bio didn't show. In the films it had a short clip interviewing parents. They said they were surprised when their son/daughter signed up for the Marines. They were nervous, shocked, angry, etc. etc. Hubby and I couldn't relate. Son has been looking at the military his entire life and the Marine's for the last six years. They told us our Marine would be different - polite, fit, mature, etc. Well, our Marine was different. He was smiling from ear to ear. He looked like himself only in uniform. He wouldn't eat the cookies while we were walking (not allowed) so we stopped and he inhaled a good pile of them.
After liberty was over we had dinner on base with some of his drill instructors. When they asked about a change in him I replied, "he smiles more." They looked at each other and at me. He never smiled for us was their reply. No, I'm sure he didn't. He is way to serious for that. We explained that he has been prepping for this for years. The Marine's only reinforced who he was already.
Friday we arrived early again for the colors ceremony. The Marine Band played and the flag was raised. What an impressive ceremony. The band is fantastic (and that is a huge understatement). Then it was off to the graduation. Pictures and heading home.
Oh, the other thing different - he let me take pictures both days - lots of pictures. When we got in the car to head home he stated before we even left the Island that he was pissed his mom hadn't come. He said she only wrote twice and that he stopped writing to her because he received no reply. He had a pile of cards and letters from us and family and friends. He then proceeded to eat his way home.
I've stocked up on all his favorite foods. I've been cooking up a storm. Cheddar biscuits and sausage gravy for breakfast, enchilada casserole for supper, plus banana bread and a green tomato cake. The cake was a new recipe (thanks Rose) that I didn't think I could try until I found green tomatoes at the farmer's market. It was a big hit. Check the link for the recipe. The only change I made was using pumpkin pie spice for the cinnamon and nutmeg. Today we're starting with baked oatmeal. The rest of the week includes bacon cheese burgers and baked potato salad, ribs and cole slaw, beef stroganoff, chili, corn chowder, more cookies and a double chocolate mocha trifle.
I had been taking milky oat straw tincture to calm my nerves. We had no idea if bio would show up. She had threatened to - I mean she promised son she would. Just before arrival in town youngest said she didn't think she was coming because oldest said they had no money. I guess getting a job and saving money was out of the question. She only had 15 months to save up for it. Still, MIL and I waited Thursday morning in anticipation. I was prepared mentally and had all my sisters back home sending good medicine my way.
We were on the Island early to watch the motivational run. We sat in the bleachers watching the family day films and then we had our son for liberty for the afternoon. I had brought a full batch of cookies for him. Bio didn't show. In the films it had a short clip interviewing parents. They said they were surprised when their son/daughter signed up for the Marines. They were nervous, shocked, angry, etc. etc. Hubby and I couldn't relate. Son has been looking at the military his entire life and the Marine's for the last six years. They told us our Marine would be different - polite, fit, mature, etc. Well, our Marine was different. He was smiling from ear to ear. He looked like himself only in uniform. He wouldn't eat the cookies while we were walking (not allowed) so we stopped and he inhaled a good pile of them.
After liberty was over we had dinner on base with some of his drill instructors. When they asked about a change in him I replied, "he smiles more." They looked at each other and at me. He never smiled for us was their reply. No, I'm sure he didn't. He is way to serious for that. We explained that he has been prepping for this for years. The Marine's only reinforced who he was already.
Friday we arrived early again for the colors ceremony. The Marine Band played and the flag was raised. What an impressive ceremony. The band is fantastic (and that is a huge understatement). Then it was off to the graduation. Pictures and heading home.
Oh, the other thing different - he let me take pictures both days - lots of pictures. When we got in the car to head home he stated before we even left the Island that he was pissed his mom hadn't come. He said she only wrote twice and that he stopped writing to her because he received no reply. He had a pile of cards and letters from us and family and friends. He then proceeded to eat his way home.
I've stocked up on all his favorite foods. I've been cooking up a storm. Cheddar biscuits and sausage gravy for breakfast, enchilada casserole for supper, plus banana bread and a green tomato cake. The cake was a new recipe (thanks Rose) that I didn't think I could try until I found green tomatoes at the farmer's market. It was a big hit. Check the link for the recipe. The only change I made was using pumpkin pie spice for the cinnamon and nutmeg. Today we're starting with baked oatmeal. The rest of the week includes bacon cheese burgers and baked potato salad, ribs and cole slaw, beef stroganoff, chili, corn chowder, more cookies and a double chocolate mocha trifle.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Fall Day
It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was warm but the air was a little crisp. Perfect in my book.
I did a few chores and headed to yoga. I took a class that challenged my sense of balance and my muscles. It felt good. Afterwards I walked across the street to the farmers market and snagged some spaghetti squash, heirloom tomatoes and fingerling potatoes. I then headed up the street to a craft fair. Some lovely crafts and hugs and visits with friends.
After stopping at the grocery store I spent the afternoon making soap. I was careful to let the temperatures of the two mixtures agree. I didn't rush the process as I would like to. After the first batch of lavender & lime was poured into the molds I cleaned up what I needed to and started a second batch. I tested my patience once again with a batch of sweet orange soap.
Roasted some chicken with a batch of za'tar that I had made and sauteed some sweet onions, bell peppers, squash and beet greens together for a simple supper. And while the chicken roasted my Dad surprised me with a visit.
Life is good.
I did a few chores and headed to yoga. I took a class that challenged my sense of balance and my muscles. It felt good. Afterwards I walked across the street to the farmers market and snagged some spaghetti squash, heirloom tomatoes and fingerling potatoes. I then headed up the street to a craft fair. Some lovely crafts and hugs and visits with friends.
After stopping at the grocery store I spent the afternoon making soap. I was careful to let the temperatures of the two mixtures agree. I didn't rush the process as I would like to. After the first batch of lavender & lime was poured into the molds I cleaned up what I needed to and started a second batch. I tested my patience once again with a batch of sweet orange soap.
Roasted some chicken with a batch of za'tar that I had made and sauteed some sweet onions, bell peppers, squash and beet greens together for a simple supper. And while the chicken roasted my Dad surprised me with a visit.
Life is good.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Back to kindergarten
After the “new” girl at work interrupted me and then snipped at me and I lost it I have started a new way to deal with it. I was very annoyed at myself for being so unprofessional and stooping to her level. I have never in my working career had break down. This girl is 61. She wines like a 5 year old. Not like one of my kids because wining was not allowed. She complains about everything. She interrupts everyone. She talks about her husband like they were still married or recently divorced. Everything in her life happened during this brief marriage that ended more than thirty years ago. She is stagnant. She has no common sense.
She called HR on me. I think they soon learned what a loon she is. My boss had me apologize after I calmed down. I simply stated I was sorry for what happened. I was sorry I snipped back. I was proud that I didn’t raise my voice or swear. She claimed she felt threatened. Maybe because I looked her in the eye as I told her my truth. In private co-workers came up and thanked me. After the apology she called HR back and said never mind.
While I was on vacation she got into it with someone else. The girl noticed she was quiet (which never happens) and asked if she was OK. She came back in a tirade of how loud this girl was and how she couldn’t concentrate etc. etc.
Since starting work she has been e-mailing the boss 2 to 3 times a day to say what we are all saying or doing wrong. My boss ignores them. She saves them in a file though. So, after this she was told by her supervisor in no uncertain terms to STOP e-mailing the boss to not even send an apology e-mail to the boss. The boss is not going to patrol the cubicles. She expects us to get the work done. End of story. She was told she should attempt to get along with her co-workers or she will be gone.
I have for more than two months been giving myself a sticker on the calendar every day I don’t come over the partition and kill her. The sticker reminds me to breathe and let it go. I brought in a comic strip that says to look for the good in everyone even if you need a microscope. I’m looking. I’m also looking at what edges she rubs raw and why. What lesson is in this for me?
Friday my boss was on vacation and the supervisor was out. The new girl was louder than normal. She not only talks to herself but gives a running commentary on her every thought. I’m tired, I’m going to hum to keep myself awake, I must be going crazy, I wish the work for this client would come in early, and on and on for 8 hours. I had my head phones on and cranked and I could still hear her. I ate lunch at my desk and enjoyed an hour of silence. Blissful quiet. By midafternoon I went and sat in a co-workers office. I told him to keep doing what he was doing that I just needed a moment to let the buzzing in my head stop.
I came home and cracked open a beer. This is not normal. A six pack at our house can last six months. My hubby looked at me and said, “you realize that you have a sticker chart and had to take a time out today and you are how old?”
Yes, next week my boss and I will be having a chat. This can’t continue like it is.
She called HR on me. I think they soon learned what a loon she is. My boss had me apologize after I calmed down. I simply stated I was sorry for what happened. I was sorry I snipped back. I was proud that I didn’t raise my voice or swear. She claimed she felt threatened. Maybe because I looked her in the eye as I told her my truth. In private co-workers came up and thanked me. After the apology she called HR back and said never mind.
While I was on vacation she got into it with someone else. The girl noticed she was quiet (which never happens) and asked if she was OK. She came back in a tirade of how loud this girl was and how she couldn’t concentrate etc. etc.
Since starting work she has been e-mailing the boss 2 to 3 times a day to say what we are all saying or doing wrong. My boss ignores them. She saves them in a file though. So, after this she was told by her supervisor in no uncertain terms to STOP e-mailing the boss to not even send an apology e-mail to the boss. The boss is not going to patrol the cubicles. She expects us to get the work done. End of story. She was told she should attempt to get along with her co-workers or she will be gone.
I have for more than two months been giving myself a sticker on the calendar every day I don’t come over the partition and kill her. The sticker reminds me to breathe and let it go. I brought in a comic strip that says to look for the good in everyone even if you need a microscope. I’m looking. I’m also looking at what edges she rubs raw and why. What lesson is in this for me?
Friday my boss was on vacation and the supervisor was out. The new girl was louder than normal. She not only talks to herself but gives a running commentary on her every thought. I’m tired, I’m going to hum to keep myself awake, I must be going crazy, I wish the work for this client would come in early, and on and on for 8 hours. I had my head phones on and cranked and I could still hear her. I ate lunch at my desk and enjoyed an hour of silence. Blissful quiet. By midafternoon I went and sat in a co-workers office. I told him to keep doing what he was doing that I just needed a moment to let the buzzing in my head stop.
I came home and cracked open a beer. This is not normal. A six pack at our house can last six months. My hubby looked at me and said, “you realize that you have a sticker chart and had to take a time out today and you are how old?”
Yes, next week my boss and I will be having a chat. This can’t continue like it is.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Heartbreak
It is past time to replace my computer. I can no longer do simple tasks on it. It is old, very old and I have lovingly had her cleaned and maintained by computer hero but it is time. Posting to this blog for example has been a challenge. I must write my posts in Word and cut and paste. Enough of that…
I’m back at work. I earned a sticker every day this week. I give myself a cheesy sticker every day I do not breech the partition and choke someone. It is amazing how one person can grate on everyone’s nerves so much that the atmosphere changes. I breathe deep and plug in my headphones. And the visual of the stickers actually helps calm me and feel compassion.
We received a new letter from son yesterday. He is on light duty at boot camp because of cellulitis on his ankle. What is it with my kids and ankles? He says the meds are working quickly and he will be back to full duty by the week end. And then in a few short sentences he breaks my heart and brings out the full rage of mama bear. He asked again if we would pass his address on to his mom and sister. He has not received a letter from them and thinks he may have sent his wrong address. He wants them to know when he graduates because he really wants bio to be there. The moment we received his address I sent a mass e-mail to family (including his sister) and a few friends with his address. I also sent a facebook message. His sister responded and said she had written and would mail it out the next day. This was weeks ago now. How, how for the love of all that is holy do you not write to your son? Even if sister did not pass the address on (because you know damn well I’m not giving bio any information) he wrote to her with his address. And I know it was the correct address because he has received letters from us, my in-laws and my parents. He even received letters from his friend that is a girl that I tracked down and messaged on facebook.
If you are new to my blog you may ask how I could not pass on info to bio. Well, she moved away almost five years ago and still has yet to give us a change of address. My children have not seen her since she left. My youngest has not talked to her since Christmas. Son only talked to her because he would call her. And frankly I hope she is not at graduation because we plan to bring youngest and I would like the visit to be drama free. And yet, my heart breaks for him. He so wants to believe that bio loves him and cares about him. He so wants that connection with his mom just like oldest wanted that connection. Oldest even moved to be with bio seeking that connection. What she found is a different story. Let’s just say she doesn’t live with bio.
I’m back at work. I earned a sticker every day this week. I give myself a cheesy sticker every day I do not breech the partition and choke someone. It is amazing how one person can grate on everyone’s nerves so much that the atmosphere changes. I breathe deep and plug in my headphones. And the visual of the stickers actually helps calm me and feel compassion.
We received a new letter from son yesterday. He is on light duty at boot camp because of cellulitis on his ankle. What is it with my kids and ankles? He says the meds are working quickly and he will be back to full duty by the week end. And then in a few short sentences he breaks my heart and brings out the full rage of mama bear. He asked again if we would pass his address on to his mom and sister. He has not received a letter from them and thinks he may have sent his wrong address. He wants them to know when he graduates because he really wants bio to be there. The moment we received his address I sent a mass e-mail to family (including his sister) and a few friends with his address. I also sent a facebook message. His sister responded and said she had written and would mail it out the next day. This was weeks ago now. How, how for the love of all that is holy do you not write to your son? Even if sister did not pass the address on (because you know damn well I’m not giving bio any information) he wrote to her with his address. And I know it was the correct address because he has received letters from us, my in-laws and my parents. He even received letters from his friend that is a girl that I tracked down and messaged on facebook.
If you are new to my blog you may ask how I could not pass on info to bio. Well, she moved away almost five years ago and still has yet to give us a change of address. My children have not seen her since she left. My youngest has not talked to her since Christmas. Son only talked to her because he would call her. And frankly I hope she is not at graduation because we plan to bring youngest and I would like the visit to be drama free. And yet, my heart breaks for him. He so wants to believe that bio loves him and cares about him. He so wants that connection with his mom just like oldest wanted that connection. Oldest even moved to be with bio seeking that connection. What she found is a different story. Let’s just say she doesn’t live with bio.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Vacation
We did not have Wi-Fi on vacation and from my phone I could only view my blog – I could not post to it. So much for a blog a day. We did have an awesome vacation. This year it was just three of us. Oldest son is off making a life and family of his own. Oldest daughter is living, working and going to school across the country. Son is at boot camp. From his letters so far he likes the long hours and scheduled time. He’s not impressed with the food. But, as MIL says, “he is used to your cooking.” So youngest had us and vacation to herself.
We were in the high country of North Carolina. We spent time wandering the mountains. A arts and craft fair on top of Beech Mountain the highest populated town in the East, a spectacular time at the museum and swinging bridge on Grandfather Mountain. The bridge hums in the wind and let me tell you with 40 MPH winds it was humming as we crossed it. It is a mile above sea level and the views are awesome. We drove the Blue Ridge Parkway and stopped at a local craft store located in an historic home, hiked around the lake and picnicked among the trees.
We browsed the shops in Boone, Banner Elk and Blowing Rock. The art co-operatives were wonderful to see. We missed the art walk but loved the concept. All the artist galleries are open one evening a month and you stroll from art gallery to art gallery where refreshments are served. Sounds way better than a pub crawl to me.
We visited Linville Caverns. After seeing the Luray caverns it was a let down but brought about a whole new respect for those first discovering and exploring the caverns. And instead of a t-shirt to remember my vacation I found a beautiful mortal & pestle to use in my kitchen.
We spent a day in Asheville at the Biltmore Estate. Wow! We were able to tour the gardens before the rain started. A good two hours was spent in the many gardens and I could have spent longer if the weather and family would have allowed. We were so happy we opted for the audio tour. The attention to detail in this 250 room house was mind boggling. That a young bachelor built this blows my mind. The colors, carvings, artwork, antiques and thought awe inspiring. The fact that he deeply respected and honored those that created, designed and worked on the house elicited a deep respect. Youngest favorite room was the pool room. An indoor 70,000 gallon heated, lighted pool. Keep in mind this house opened Christmas Eve 1895. Hubby loved the billiards room. And it was quite impressive. The dining hall had three fire places and a pipe organ. Our house could be set in the center of the room and you could walk completely around it or sit on top of it. My favorite room of course was the library with over 10,000 books. And with all of that it wasn’t gaudy. After the house tour we headed to the winery and farm. The blacksmith was fantastic. And after his demonstration he played the anvil. What a beautiful musical instrument. We never knew.
Daddy and daughter went to the movies to see the Wolverine. I went to Art History Museum instead. They had an exhibit of American Impressionists. Lovely.
We ate breakfast in the cottage and packed a picnic for lunch. At night we tried different restaurants. We avoided the chains and sought out the mom and pop operations. There seemed no one food the high country was known for except maybe trout. One of the few foods I am not a fan of but, that is another story. We did have plenty of sweet tea. I did get my fried catfish and hush puppies one night. We had steaks, BBQ, Mexican and Cajun. We went to the Black Cat one night. They have a wide variety of burritos. I had a chicken satay that was delicious. One night we ate at the Bayou and I had the Louisiana sampler plate that included rice, sausage & beans, crawfish etoufee and gumbo. The gumbo was out of this world. I’m not a spice loving fan but gave it a try. You could taste all the wonderful flavors and then the heat hit the back of your throat. Your lips didn’t burn, you could taste it and it was really good.
And now I’m home and settling back in.
We were in the high country of North Carolina. We spent time wandering the mountains. A arts and craft fair on top of Beech Mountain the highest populated town in the East, a spectacular time at the museum and swinging bridge on Grandfather Mountain. The bridge hums in the wind and let me tell you with 40 MPH winds it was humming as we crossed it. It is a mile above sea level and the views are awesome. We drove the Blue Ridge Parkway and stopped at a local craft store located in an historic home, hiked around the lake and picnicked among the trees.
We browsed the shops in Boone, Banner Elk and Blowing Rock. The art co-operatives were wonderful to see. We missed the art walk but loved the concept. All the artist galleries are open one evening a month and you stroll from art gallery to art gallery where refreshments are served. Sounds way better than a pub crawl to me.
We visited Linville Caverns. After seeing the Luray caverns it was a let down but brought about a whole new respect for those first discovering and exploring the caverns. And instead of a t-shirt to remember my vacation I found a beautiful mortal & pestle to use in my kitchen.
We spent a day in Asheville at the Biltmore Estate. Wow! We were able to tour the gardens before the rain started. A good two hours was spent in the many gardens and I could have spent longer if the weather and family would have allowed. We were so happy we opted for the audio tour. The attention to detail in this 250 room house was mind boggling. That a young bachelor built this blows my mind. The colors, carvings, artwork, antiques and thought awe inspiring. The fact that he deeply respected and honored those that created, designed and worked on the house elicited a deep respect. Youngest favorite room was the pool room. An indoor 70,000 gallon heated, lighted pool. Keep in mind this house opened Christmas Eve 1895. Hubby loved the billiards room. And it was quite impressive. The dining hall had three fire places and a pipe organ. Our house could be set in the center of the room and you could walk completely around it or sit on top of it. My favorite room of course was the library with over 10,000 books. And with all of that it wasn’t gaudy. After the house tour we headed to the winery and farm. The blacksmith was fantastic. And after his demonstration he played the anvil. What a beautiful musical instrument. We never knew.
Daddy and daughter went to the movies to see the Wolverine. I went to Art History Museum instead. They had an exhibit of American Impressionists. Lovely.
We ate breakfast in the cottage and packed a picnic for lunch. At night we tried different restaurants. We avoided the chains and sought out the mom and pop operations. There seemed no one food the high country was known for except maybe trout. One of the few foods I am not a fan of but, that is another story. We did have plenty of sweet tea. I did get my fried catfish and hush puppies one night. We had steaks, BBQ, Mexican and Cajun. We went to the Black Cat one night. They have a wide variety of burritos. I had a chicken satay that was delicious. One night we ate at the Bayou and I had the Louisiana sampler plate that included rice, sausage & beans, crawfish etoufee and gumbo. The gumbo was out of this world. I’m not a spice loving fan but gave it a try. You could taste all the wonderful flavors and then the heat hit the back of your throat. Your lips didn’t burn, you could taste it and it was really good.
And now I’m home and settling back in.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Blog a Day
I wish I had the discipline, time and energy to blog every day. It might force me to be more inspired. I write beautiful posts in my head on the way to work. They disappear into the mist of my mind never to appear again. Try as I may I can never recreate that wit later in the day. For the next few weeks I’m going to try.
Well, that is if I can figure out how to post from my smart phone while on vacation. Smart phones by definition are something that takes way more of my time and energy to figure out than I care to spend.
We received a real letter from son this week. Short, sweet and to the point. Once I suppressed my urge to correct the grammar and spelling I was OK. He likes Parris Island. He likes working 16 hour days starting at 0400 and ending at 2000. He listed those I should contact with his graduation information. He asked for us to send stamps.
I am trying really hard to post weekly to my Raven’s Edge Blog. It has forced me to look at the plants I see, harvest and use with a new lens. I like that. I have expanded my material medica in the process. I am inspiring myself with the journey and enjoying every moment.
I was supposed to be “working” today. I completed everything on my desk and worked myself into a spot where I have nothing to do at the place that pays me to live my life. So, I took a PTO day. Who can say they can do that before taking vacation? I have the next 12 days off. We leave in the wee hour’s tomorrow morning for the mountains of NC. I can’t wait.
Laundry is almost done. Hubby detailed my car (reason 1,652 why I love him). Spicy chex mix is made. Traveling muffins baked (coconut blueberry). Clothes are stacked and waiting for the suitcase. The paper and mail have been stopped. Someone has been found to tend to the kitties. A last dump run was made. House cleaned. I’m ready to go.
Well, that is if I can figure out how to post from my smart phone while on vacation. Smart phones by definition are something that takes way more of my time and energy to figure out than I care to spend.
We received a real letter from son this week. Short, sweet and to the point. Once I suppressed my urge to correct the grammar and spelling I was OK. He likes Parris Island. He likes working 16 hour days starting at 0400 and ending at 2000. He listed those I should contact with his graduation information. He asked for us to send stamps.
I am trying really hard to post weekly to my Raven’s Edge Blog. It has forced me to look at the plants I see, harvest and use with a new lens. I like that. I have expanded my material medica in the process. I am inspiring myself with the journey and enjoying every moment.
I was supposed to be “working” today. I completed everything on my desk and worked myself into a spot where I have nothing to do at the place that pays me to live my life. So, I took a PTO day. Who can say they can do that before taking vacation? I have the next 12 days off. We leave in the wee hour’s tomorrow morning for the mountains of NC. I can’t wait.
Laundry is almost done. Hubby detailed my car (reason 1,652 why I love him). Spicy chex mix is made. Traveling muffins baked (coconut blueberry). Clothes are stacked and waiting for the suitcase. The paper and mail have been stopped. Someone has been found to tend to the kitties. A last dump run was made. House cleaned. I’m ready to go.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Since he's been gone
Many people asked how I've been since son entered boot camp a week ago. I'm fine, really. We dropped him off last Sunday at the main recruiting station. I must say the recruiter driving him and four other boys to MEPS at least had a clue. Son's recruiter did not instill any confidence in me at all. And as much as I fully support son in his decision and those who serve the military I'm not real fond of the military. I should say I do not agree with using violence to bring about peace. But, that is my issue. We received our scripted phone call to say he arrived and other than letters we will not hear from him again until boot camp is over unless his unit earns a phone call home.
MIL and FIL took us all out for dinner before son left. She is very anxious. As I explained there he is supervised. If he were going away to college he wouldn't be. And heck, I know what happens then. And as far as I'm concerned he is far safer in the Marines than he would be living with bio. As a side note oldest has once again moved out of bio's home due to conditions and I believe will not be going back this time. And let's face it very few things come between me and sleeping or eating - when I think of what those are I will let you know.
I'm not saying I do not worry but I have learned to let go of what I have no control over. He has been planning this phase in his life since before I met him 11 years ago. I've had time to adjust.
Youngest had a melt down the first day son was gone. She cried how she was not meant to be an only child, she was lonely, she missed him, etc. I comforted her the best I could and explained that it was now her time to shine and spend time with friends. She could write to him and she would see him in October when boot camp is over. I must admit in my head I was screaming "really, get over it, life goes on and I'm sure my brother never cried when I left home." But, I managed to keep all of those thoughts in my head. The next day she contacted her friends from school and the tears have passed.
So, since son's been gone I have less laundry and less food to cook. We have attended a concert in the park, gone to the movies and went to lunch and shopping. All of which we would have done even if he were here.
MIL and FIL took us all out for dinner before son left. She is very anxious. As I explained there he is supervised. If he were going away to college he wouldn't be. And heck, I know what happens then. And as far as I'm concerned he is far safer in the Marines than he would be living with bio. As a side note oldest has once again moved out of bio's home due to conditions and I believe will not be going back this time. And let's face it very few things come between me and sleeping or eating - when I think of what those are I will let you know.
I'm not saying I do not worry but I have learned to let go of what I have no control over. He has been planning this phase in his life since before I met him 11 years ago. I've had time to adjust.
Youngest had a melt down the first day son was gone. She cried how she was not meant to be an only child, she was lonely, she missed him, etc. I comforted her the best I could and explained that it was now her time to shine and spend time with friends. She could write to him and she would see him in October when boot camp is over. I must admit in my head I was screaming "really, get over it, life goes on and I'm sure my brother never cried when I left home." But, I managed to keep all of those thoughts in my head. The next day she contacted her friends from school and the tears have passed.
So, since son's been gone I have less laundry and less food to cook. We have attended a concert in the park, gone to the movies and went to lunch and shopping. All of which we would have done even if he were here.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Blessed
As I see others react with their families I reflect at how blessed I am. I see so many friends and co-workers seeking approval, love, contact with their parents to no avail. One sticks out clearly in my thoughts - the more successful she becomes the more her mother lashes out at her. It is a tough lesson she must learn. The frustration and anger have moved her forward in a positive way but with much pain. But, what I find the most heartbreaking is that no one has her back - nor her mom, her sister or to a large extent her husband. She is very much expected to have theirs.
And this is where I find myself very grateful. As dysfunctional as my parents are - because every child I think feels that way at some point - they have always been there for me. They have not always agreed with me. But, they loved and supported me no matter what. I look at them now and realize their dysfunctions are minor and I share many of them. We have a good relationship. Our visits are filled with laughter so hard my sides hurt and the tears flow. I know that at any moment I can pick up the phone and fall apart and they will just listen. Thankfully this is rare.
And this sense of holding your children I hope I have passed on to my children. I have not agreed with all of their decisions but, I have tried to support them. I have let them make decisions. Sometimes they work out and some times they fall flat. And through it all I do not say I told you so, or did you learn anything (because they clearly did) I simply love them with open arms.
And this is where I find myself very grateful. As dysfunctional as my parents are - because every child I think feels that way at some point - they have always been there for me. They have not always agreed with me. But, they loved and supported me no matter what. I look at them now and realize their dysfunctions are minor and I share many of them. We have a good relationship. Our visits are filled with laughter so hard my sides hurt and the tears flow. I know that at any moment I can pick up the phone and fall apart and they will just listen. Thankfully this is rare.
And this sense of holding your children I hope I have passed on to my children. I have not agreed with all of their decisions but, I have tried to support them. I have let them make decisions. Sometimes they work out and some times they fall flat. And through it all I do not say I told you so, or did you learn anything (because they clearly did) I simply love them with open arms.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Taken for a Ride
Son leaves is less than two weeks. He has sold his Bronco. The one he worked hard for, saved for and fixed up. It is old and tired and has served him well. He his making room for a new vehicle once he is stationed some where. A power wagon if he has his way. And I believe he shall.
I told him at dinner that he had a couple of dates with me before he leaves. One is to spend some time cleaning and sorting his bedroom. The next I said is that he could not sell his Bronco until he took me for a ride. There has been no reason to drive me around. He did that a lot when he was learning to drive. He was a natural. I don't think I ever hit that imaginary brake on my side of the car - not like driving with his sister. Any way...
Hubby pointed out that I didn't say how far - he could just drive me to the end of the cul-de-sac and back. So after dinner he took me for a ride. I offered to hang out the window and wave my arms. That's not safe he said. No, you just hook your feet under the seat and sit in the window. I don't want to know how you know that, he said.
I said I read about it. As he pulled in the driveway I started to climb in the window asking what hubby might think. But, hubby wasn't in ear shot so I passed. It kept him wondering though.
I told him at dinner that he had a couple of dates with me before he leaves. One is to spend some time cleaning and sorting his bedroom. The next I said is that he could not sell his Bronco until he took me for a ride. There has been no reason to drive me around. He did that a lot when he was learning to drive. He was a natural. I don't think I ever hit that imaginary brake on my side of the car - not like driving with his sister. Any way...
Hubby pointed out that I didn't say how far - he could just drive me to the end of the cul-de-sac and back. So after dinner he took me for a ride. I offered to hang out the window and wave my arms. That's not safe he said. No, you just hook your feet under the seat and sit in the window. I don't want to know how you know that, he said.
I said I read about it. As he pulled in the driveway I started to climb in the window asking what hubby might think. But, hubby wasn't in ear shot so I passed. It kept him wondering though.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Herbs, Study and arriving home
This past week end I was at the International Herb Symposium. I had gone once before in 2007. I was new to this herbal study then and didn't know anyone. This year I was blessed to ride with a friend along side me and see friends I have made in this herbal realm. I took as many classes I could and attempted to back notes than I have in the past. I also remembered to date my notes and include the year. I have been sorting out notebooks the past few weeks and now know how important this little detail is. I have a lot of information to sift through, assimilate some, discard some and contemplate still more. I took some teachers that are known to challenge your thought process. This is good. I also had others who inspired. The passion for what they do is infectious.
Hubby took the week end off with the kids. They spent some quality time together. They visited family at his niece’s graduation party. They enjoyed themselves while I was away.
I returned to work the next day not feeling home yet. So today I reground and fully arrive. It is time to plot out the next few steps.
Hubby took the week end off with the kids. They spent some quality time together. They visited family at his niece’s graduation party. They enjoyed themselves while I was away.
I returned to work the next day not feeling home yet. So today I reground and fully arrive. It is time to plot out the next few steps.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Shimmy Love
Saturday was my first "performance" as a belly dancer. The Girl Scouts of Sandy Hook asked my teacher (K) to teach and dance at their end of year gathering. Four of us were able to attend. We started the day in class then practice and lunch before arriving at camp. A beautiful sunny day filled with laughter and friendship. We were not sure how many girls would be there or what exactly to expect. K brought as many scarves as she could stuff in a bag and laid them out for the girls to grab as they came in. The 30 or so scarves only went so far with the 125 in attendance. The girls were age 5 - 18 and many adult leaders. The girls greeted us with smiles and awe. They were thrilled to be in our presence. We quickly started helping little ones tie adult size scarves around their tiny waists. Some scarves were wrapped 2 or 3 times. When we ran out of scarves one little girl shrugged her shoulders and quickly tied her t-shirt up to show her belly. Soon she was helping others do the same. It warmed our hearts.
We started with a dance routine. Then K explained her teaching style - it is about be happy within your own body - short or tall, thin or fluffy - we are all beautiful. She then showed the girls several moves. They participated with joy and enthusiasm. We danced and shimmied together. We ended with another routine. We were thanked, we were hugged, and we felt blessed. I felt blessed. My heart sung to see the joy in the faces of these girls.
And then one of the leaders came up and thanked us for such a joyful end to their day. With damp eyes she told us how eight of the girls who lost their lives were Daisies. That four of the leaders lost their daughters that day. The Daisy troop that was so big it had been split into two troops now had to combine into one. The girls felt survivor’s guilt. She was so grateful to us for helping in the healing process. And we wept. And I know that it was to them I owed gratitude. My heart had split open with joy before I knew their full story. I couldn't think of any where on Earth I would have wanted to be.
The girls and leaders left uplifted. We left uplifted. What an amazing sacred moment.
And in the funny way things twist and turn we ended our day at dinner - Sultan's Turkish Restaurant. We googled Middle Eastern food and that popped up. And just as we were served our food the music was turned up and we were entertained by a beautiful belly dancer.
We started with a dance routine. Then K explained her teaching style - it is about be happy within your own body - short or tall, thin or fluffy - we are all beautiful. She then showed the girls several moves. They participated with joy and enthusiasm. We danced and shimmied together. We ended with another routine. We were thanked, we were hugged, and we felt blessed. I felt blessed. My heart sung to see the joy in the faces of these girls.
And then one of the leaders came up and thanked us for such a joyful end to their day. With damp eyes she told us how eight of the girls who lost their lives were Daisies. That four of the leaders lost their daughters that day. The Daisy troop that was so big it had been split into two troops now had to combine into one. The girls felt survivor’s guilt. She was so grateful to us for helping in the healing process. And we wept. And I know that it was to them I owed gratitude. My heart had split open with joy before I knew their full story. I couldn't think of any where on Earth I would have wanted to be.
The girls and leaders left uplifted. We left uplifted. What an amazing sacred moment.
And in the funny way things twist and turn we ended our day at dinner - Sultan's Turkish Restaurant. We googled Middle Eastern food and that popped up. And just as we were served our food the music was turned up and we were entertained by a beautiful belly dancer.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Resounding Yes
A few months back I read somewhere that if it is not a resounding yes for you then your answer should be no. I've been sort of living my life that way for years but this year I am really consciously putting that into practice.
I remember the first time I said no to something for a committee I was on. The shocked look of the chairperson still amuses me. No, I can not do that. Ah, and I know no explanation is needed. So many feel the need to say no and justify it. No need. No, period.
Work as an accountant is not a resounding yes. There are many aspects of my job I enjoy but.... I don't hate the job and when I look at all the resounding yes responses I can give because of the job I stay there. It serves its purpose.
Travel, gardening, cooking, dancing, reading, hiking, friends, herbs, love all are resounding yeses. I have found several tribes that sustain and support me on that path. I am blessed. My foolish wisdom group has been a monthly constant for years now. They challenge my thinking, offer love and support and make me laugh. My shimmy sisters have accepted me with open arms. We belly dance together and lunch and walk and laugh.
Drama, energy vampires, dishonesty are all items that bring a no response from me.
I remember the first time I said no to something for a committee I was on. The shocked look of the chairperson still amuses me. No, I can not do that. Ah, and I know no explanation is needed. So many feel the need to say no and justify it. No need. No, period.
Work as an accountant is not a resounding yes. There are many aspects of my job I enjoy but.... I don't hate the job and when I look at all the resounding yes responses I can give because of the job I stay there. It serves its purpose.
Travel, gardening, cooking, dancing, reading, hiking, friends, herbs, love all are resounding yeses. I have found several tribes that sustain and support me on that path. I am blessed. My foolish wisdom group has been a monthly constant for years now. They challenge my thinking, offer love and support and make me laugh. My shimmy sisters have accepted me with open arms. We belly dance together and lunch and walk and laugh.
Drama, energy vampires, dishonesty are all items that bring a no response from me.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Gotta laugh
Bio's only communication with youngest is via facebook. Youngest checks her FB every so often. She is more apt to play games than communicate or read messages. For her birthday in April all she received from bio was a FB happy birthday. The last "conversation" was in March. This past week she posts a meme to youngest's time line stating how she's a wonderful mom and will always be there for her kids no matter what. Um, this is coming from the woman who hasn't seen her kid in almost 5 (yes, I said five) years. Who hasn't had a phone conversation since Christmas and can't even send a card or make a phone call on her birthday. And I'm wicked!
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